Without murdering someone how can I get the police to turn up at my house before hell freezes over?

Answer:
I'm not going to rant or rave, or be sarcastic, but I'm not going to be popular.
I'm a Police Officer and I've literally just finished 3 nights. just a handful of officers to cover a v large city.
In those 3 nights I've dealt with Parents hitting kids, spouses beating the other, a young lad saying he was going to commit suicide, an attempted Murder! a racial assault, a glassing, an attempted car break and over two dozen assaults (usually drunk mates who've fallen out) and that's in between taking statements, storing exhibits, collecting clothes for prisoners and calling the statistic people to record it all! I must state the majority is alleged, of course!
I'm in no way complaining. I am so proud to do this job and attempt to help all I meet.
I just want to say that 99% of us are trying our best, our hands are so often tied by procedure and what is required we can't always be there straight away. We're not always right, but your average copper is really trying, I promise.
That's all, I just wanted to say..

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why?

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well you could call in an officer down call of course it would be a fake but im willing to bet any police officer within a 5 mile radius would be to your house within 30 seconds.

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What's your question? If you have a murder, the police will come. Why would you want the police to come if there are no crimes where you live?

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I had an 'incident' earlier this year - chavs shooting ball bearings at my windows, police called, hour later - chavs still there, police not. My dad ended up ringing the police and threatening them with reporting them to their Chief Constable, the ex chief constable, the ex chief constable of the Isle of Man (very random!) and a call to my MP (who he knows). They turned up three minutes later.

So threats. Or tell them you're about to commit a racially motivated crime yourself :P

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Tell them you've punched a burglar.

You'll probably get done for assault.

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What is wrong why do you need the police?If you feel you are being ignored file a complaint .If something happens and your calls were ignored you could sue them

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I assume by the response time you are talking about the good old UK police? Tell them someone has broken in and that you think they have a gun, scream N0oooooooo and put the receiver down, this should armed response the full works there in no time. Of course they might be a tad annoyed and book you for wasting police time.
I know how you feel, I was sorely tempted to carry out my suggestion, but hadn't got the guts. Hope they turn up sometime this year.

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I reported an attempted break-in once and while making the call I pretended to call my wife to pass the shotgun (which I haven't got) to scare off the intruders. The operator heard me say that, and they were at the door in under a minute!

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Call the emergency number (911 here) and hang up... they should be there in minutes. Worked with my then 1 year old who played with the phone and I just grabbed it and hung up. By accident he had dialed 911 though and Police came ASAP to check on us .should not do it lightheartedly though, calling the Police for no reason could be fined.

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If they don't think it is a real emergency they take their time. I had nasty neighbors who put their basketball hoop right by my window. I got rude one day and things escalated, finally the police showed up, hours later. So, explain your situation over the phone, Especially if you are threatened or feel threatened. Do not call in fake calls,cause you could get arrested for that.

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Nice story I heard a few weeks ago
Guy sees yobs trying to break into his car - phones police to request assistance. Told very sorry but nobody around - no police officers available, maybe in an hour. Man puts down phone.
Phones police a few minutes later says "Don't bother to send anyone in an hour. I've sorted them. I shot them" Puts down phone.
A couple of minutes later, 3 police cars, lights flashing, ambulance, armed police vehicle all screech to a halt outside the guy's door.
He answers the door and says "I thought you said there wouldn't be anyone available for an hour"
Moral there, somewhere!

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An old strory about a chap who rang the police and said that his nieghbours were causing a disturbanceand would they sent some one round to sort it out. the reply was I`m very sorry but we do not have any officers available as we are sort staffed, to which he replied welll i`ve got a gun i`ll go round and shoot the bu""er. there was twenty armed police at his house in a matter of minutes,helicopters the lot when they said they weregoing to arrest him for wasting the police`s because he didn`t have a gun he replied well you didn`t have any officers.

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"officer down!"

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Perhaps you need to find just cause to get them to turn out.

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Call 911. Tell them why you need an officer to show up. If they don't respond, your reason is not as important as you think.

Stay away from the state of Michigan. The town of Hell, Michigan freezes over every year.

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Phone them and tell them that you're just aiming your shotgun out of your bedroom window at some chavs in the street below...they should come then :-D

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Park in the wrong place. swear at the local ethnic newsagent
( Woops I did not mean to be politically correct ) Hope I wasn't

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why would anybody want police around ?

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Light up a cigarette in a pub, then scoot and leave your name and address.

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citizen,your answer is shithot,if my wife kept beating me up and i keep phoning them,they must think you deserve it or there afraid of her.you havent said why you phoned them mate so im only having a bit of craic with you,no offence.

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You don't say why you want the cops - could it be trouble with neighbours or the vegetables (my husband's term for the local neds cos they haven't a brain between them)? If you've been calling and getting nowhere, do as some of the other replies have suggested. You could just sit and keep phoning constantly until someone decides to make a guest appearance OR go down to the cop shop in person - they can't ignore you if you are right there in front of them.

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You think you`ve got problems!
Our temporary 2-officers police station closes at 5.pm until 9.am the following morning.
And I`ve never seen more than one officer there any day.
Ohh, and it is shut from Friday evening 5.pm until Monday 9.am.
:-(

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You could have doughnuts and coffee there...